We rode the bike at city speed limits. I passed directions to Adam via the microphones in our helmets and ground my teeth over the bike’s slow pace. It was excruciatingly painful to know that instead of enjoying a good run, I was stuck on a motorbike and traveling at a human pace un we reached the outer limits of the city. Fall was here, so the trees were starting to turn pretty colors of orange, red and brown. They littered the side of the raod as we roaded along. I felt him shift in his seat so he must have realized that this ride was going to take awhile. So he started a conversation.
“How the hell did you get into the city, if you live all the way out here?” he spoke into the microphone.
“One of my sisters dropped me off at the library for some peace away from the house,” I said, “but I didn’t feel like waiting for her to pick me up, so I wandered around.”
“It isn’t safe to wander around alone,” he said.
“I am well aware of that, but I can handle myself,” I retorted. I can more then handle myself. He laughed. He had a deep, rich laugh.
“So, you have sisters,” he commented, trying to keep the conversation going. I nodded in his back so he knew I acknowledge the statement.
“Yes. Two sisters and two brothers,” I said, annoyed. Why did he want to know every little detail about me? I mean, it wasn’t like he going to mean something to me. He’s a lower life form.
“Wow. Your parents have a hand full then. I’m lucky; I only have a little brother,” he stated. After that, we rode in silence for a while which I was grateful for, until he asked another question. Why couldn’t the damn human shut his mouth? And what was with the questions anyway?
“Hey. What school do you go to?” he asked; I had to think for a moment, because I really didn’t pay attention on the way to school, unless I was driving to school.
“Woodcrest,” I replied, “Why?”
“Just wanted to know. Did you know that we go to the same school?” he asked, chuckling.
“Yeah, I know of you, but I have never met you. You are Adam Hart, son of Lucy and Hugh Hart. You are also the captain of the fencing team,” I stated. My captain. I was on the fencing team too, he just never took interested in me; which was strange, seeing that he was taking interest in me now.
“Well hey, you seem to know about me, but I don’t know anything about you,” he said. Nor do I want you to I thought. He pulled onto a gravel road and stopped when we came upon a big gate. He turned off the bike and took off his helmet. I got off and took off mine.
“This is it?” he asked as he eyed the wicked-looking gate.
“Yep. Here,” I said as I held out the helmet to him. He took it and placed it behind him. “Thanks for the ride, even though you didn’t have to.”
“It’s the least I could do since my friends were being rude to you,” he said. I smiled. “ Will you be able to get in?” he pointed to the gate.
“Yeah,” I said as I pulled out a little, blue card from my back pocket. I walked up to a box and put the card in. I typed in the code and viola! The gate was open. Adam eyed the long drive.
“It still looks pretty far. Can I drive you up to the house?” he asked. Good try, but…nah I thought as I tried not to smile at him.
“Nah. I will be fine,” I said as I walked backwards past the gate. Once I was behind the gatepost, they started to close.
“Hey! I still don’t know you. I only know you by your first name,” he cried. I smiled and giggled like a little girl. Then I realized I like teasing him this way for some odd reason. What’s wrong with me?
“You will find out the rest. Tomorrow at school,” I said as I continued walking backwards. He begrudgingly took that, as I wasn’t going to tell him anything more and put his helmet back on. He waved his hand and left. I about gagged as the exhaust fumes hit me. I waved in return before turning around and walking up to the house as the gate fully closed. From a distance you could see the beauty of my family’s house. It was two story Victorian style home with a wrap-around porch. Beside it has a garage that was just as big as the house. The house was literary in the woods for protection and our privacy. As you get closer to the home, you could see the little patterns on the banisters. I sighed. Out of all the houses that we have lived in, this was my favorite.
As I walked up, I noticed someone sitting on the porch. Adelicia I thought. Adelicia was a petite young woman. She wore a bady-doll black dress with black tights, which contrasted with her blond hair and blue eyes. Even thought she was in her mid-fifties, she still dress like a child, which gave her a innocent appearance when she was anything but. I noticed that she had no shoes, so she hadn’t been out there too long.
“I knew someone would be on the porch, waiting for me, but I never thought it would be you,” I said as I walked up to the porch. She was sitting on the steps.
“Who was that?” she asked and stood up as I walked by her.
“Just some guy I met at my old place,” I answered as I opened the wooden door. We both walked inside. We were greeted with old house smell. It was a musty smell, like the back of the closet with mothballs. The inside of the house looked modern and yet had a traditional felt to it. I could hear our feet shuffle against the hardwood floor. I took out my iPod and set it on the small table across from the closet. I took off my jacket, revealing my Paramore t-shirt. I opened the closet door, took out a hanger, and hung it up. I closed the closet door and I grabbed my iPod and went to the kitchen, with Adelicia trailing behind me.
“So, what is he? Your boyfriend?” She asked as she sat down on one of the stools. She leaned against the counter and peered at me.
“God, no!” I cried in surprise, “He’s human, for Pete’s sake, and I just met the guy.” She stared at me. I opened the fridge and got out the blood-wine, my hand clenching on the cold bottle. I turned and opened the cabinet searching for a glass. I poured the red liquid following its fall. I put it back on the raft and closed the fridge back hitting it with my heel.
“Where are the others?” I asked as I sipped on the drink. I gulped some and closed my eyes and sighed in joy as the fresh, cool liquid went slipped down my throat. In the past we have blood straight, but over the past couple of decades, we found way to sweet up to blood by add wine and sugar to it, making it thick like syrup. I opened my eyes to see her shrug. I sipped at the drink, thinking.
“Oh, by the way. Landon says he wants to see you about something. Something with the council,” she said as she looked at me. What is it with staring at me? I thought. She looked like I had insulted her. Aren’t I allowed to look at you? Her voice entered my head.
“Yes, but you don’t do it this often,” I said as I looked at her with concern.
“I’m just worried about you, even though you are older than me,” she said, voicing her opinion on the situation.
“Why?” I asked in surprise.
“You know the rules and all that jazz. I just don’t want you to get involved with the human,” she said.
“I know. Where is Landon? I might as well see what he wants,” I said as I shook my head. What does he want now?
“He is in the study,” she said, “I would be careful, he hasn’t had a good day.”
“Thanks for the warning.” I said as I walked away, taking my drink with me. With a sway of my hips, I went upstairs and walked the entire way back through the hallway. I knocked on the end door.
“Enter,” a deep voice said from the other side. I turned the knob and went in.
End of chapter
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
Hola, Bri! I know, you're probably wondering where on earth I've been and why it's taken me so long to edit this but I guess I can't give you an excuse. I'm only super sorry that I've been so behind
I think you mean "until" instead of "un" here.
I think you should say "Autumn" instead of "Fall" because at first I wasn't sure what you were talking about. You don't have to change it but I think it would help the sentence out.
"road" instead of "raod" Also, I would say "drove" instead of "roaded" because you use the word "road" too close in proximity.
I would say "into" instead of "in his back" so it makes more sense.
I like this here, because it really goes into detail about how she reacts to humans but I really think that you should go into even more detail. I thought it was kind of a random statement thrown in there and then you continue on with your dialogue, you know? Just expand a bit =]
I really enjoyed this part. I love how she notices him but he doesn’t notice here. Very good add-in
This is worded funny. Maybe try: “Hey! I don’t even know your last name! Will I see you at school?” or something like that. Make it sound more teenager-ish instead of little kid-ish, you know?
“baby” instead of “bady” here.
Okay, I’m not sure if you mean that she was in her fifties in ‘vampire sense’ or in ‘human sense’ as in she actually was changed at the age of fifty so she looked fifty…? Be clear on what you mean here.
~ ~ ~ ~
This chapter is pretty good. I love when you introduce the blood-wine thing. It’s so unique and nobody uses that so I think that’s so sweet, Bri! Your writing is definitely improving and you have such a blunt way of describing thing that makes is so cool.
I hope this review helped you some and if you need any further advice, you know how to reach me
This story is really addicting
And I think you're getting better and better, too
You do make some mistakes with tenses, switching from past to present.
I'd also suggest that you italize what Adelicia thinks (and the narrator hears), just so it sticks out from the text
Other little mistakes:
Nothing else to say, except that.
Your descriptions are awesome!
Keep it up!
MySunshine
Okay, so here goes the review that you asked for.
Diction:
Okay, I'm going to do this first sence it seemed the subject that you lacked in most. I found that you used bike like three or four times in just the first paragraph. It wasn't just that word either. There was a few ones that you used over and over. Try to find different words for them or just leave it out if the reader already comprehends what it is. So my advice is to use a thesaurus for some help.
Grammar/Punctuation:
I realized reading through your story that you had quite a few typos. You punctuation was ok, and I didn't find anything that was a big deal wrong, just that you had more typos and misspellings than you should. If you read the last sentance first and keep going you will find alot of your typos alot easier. It works too.
Details:
I found that you provided the reader with quite a few a few details, and thats good, its just that I found that sometimes you did more telling than showing. You can fix that, here is an example:
Telling: She had long pretty blonde hair
Showing: Blonde hair cascaded down her back.
Also, try to cut down adjetives, they tend to bore your reader. So, keep that in mind.
Sorry, if I shredded your work, I know that it sounds harsh, but I am very honst with my reviews, with some editing, this could be a great story. It has a great original story line. Keep writing, good luck, and remember that practice makes perfect. Hope I helped!
~Alyss
I stink at nit-picking, so here is my review! Well, the story line seems preety far from twilight. And I love that! Vampire were my favorite since reading Vampirates and Atwater-Rhodes. Well I love your story, The charecter seems very well developed and the storys is great. So far your boy is realistic too and so few storys seem to have realistic boys in them when they involve vampires. I love how you desdribe every thing, how we now know what Blood-wine is instead of sitting there thinking it over and over wondering why you added it, I can practically see all your charecters doing every thing where as in poorer books (twilight for example) It was just reading, I just couldnt see any of the charecters actually real and moving around. Very three-D charecters and thought you describe beautifully you add just a sence of veuge-ness that I love that makes me want to keep reasing and find out more. Great writing, wish I could do it as well!
-Tabitha Lillian
Ah. The edited version. ^_^
So this is much improved from the last chapter two.
The only thing I would do is add description -- and a lot of it.
I believe people already talked to you about that in your original chapter two.
Hope this helps,
~~~Sakura